Still attempting to defy gravity...

a father is..?

2009-05-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

I realized today, when I got to work, how I really dread Sundays now. Because every week, my dad has something new to take out on me.

And today I was more than happy to go to work. I weirded my co-workers out when I told them I was put into a better mood when I showed up to work.

But... my dad is just an overgrown child. He wants to be taken care of. By me. His daughter.

Shouldn't he be the one to protect me? To not dump all his pain on me? He whines to me about paying the bills, when I'm the one doing it.

I remember, when my mom was in the hospital during her last days, how he loved me and he was striving to be the best father he could be to me. And I said he has been already.

But he hasn't. Not after that.

It's hurting me to realize that... I don't see myself having any parents anymore. My mom is gone... I woke up the other day realizing I no longer remember her voice. I still dream about her sometimes, so I remember her face vividly, but when she talks... I hear nothing.

And my dad... is a man who likes to yell at me, be disappointed in me, ignore me, and shows no affection to me. He will once in a blue moon, but when he does, it's so awkward, so weird.

>.< It's scary to think that nobody is there to take care of my anymore. My friends can only keep me standing, and hold my hand, but to not have a mother to hug gently when I want to cry, to not have a dad help me when I'm in a pinch or to talk to... it just hurts.

Why can't my dad just take me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay? That he loves me... that he forgives me...?

Bleh... the day I leave... it'll be so hard. He'll be angry at me because he won't want me to go. He's scared to let me go. Despite his coldness as a father towards me, I'm still his baby. His baby daughter. I can tell he's scared of losing me, but he's not doing a very good job of keeping me. He makes me want to leave, run, and start my own life.

But the day I announce that I want to go abroad, or study elsewhere, far from home, or when someone asks him for my hand in marriage... he'll put up a fight, I know it.

I wonder if it's because I'm all he has left of my mom. He regrets a lot of things in their marriage, things I didn't even understand because I hadn't even been born yet.

I think it all just comes down to me wishing he'd be a dad for me. A good dad.

Hm

2009-05-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, practically everyone I know hasn't been having the greatest time this week.

Except me. So... I'm almost anxious to see if something goes wrong for me soon. I hope not.

I wish I could be of more help to everyone... I feel rather useless, just being the rock that everyone holds onto. I don't mind it in the least bit, but the thing about rocks, is that they're stationary. I wish I could do more than just stand there and listen.

Because seeing the people I love be so hurt, is just as painful. >.<

I wish it were as easy as wiping their tears away, making them smile, healing their hearts, and turning back the time, but it's obviously impossible.

Though, as long as they value my being there to support them when they can't stand on their own very well... it's almost just as fullfilling. I still wish I could do more, but at least I'm doing something, right?

2009-04-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny how people think that by shutting away, that by ignoring you, it'll make the problem go away?

i can't put into words how hurt i am. hurt that people think i shut them out when i try to stretch my arms out as wide as possible so they can comfortably fit in my embrace. but they don't accept. so my efforts are futile.

it's understandable. no one around me wants to add more to my plate than i already have. but when people toss away my comfort... it hurts me more, because that energy could've gone towards something else.

i feel hurt. brokenhearted.

why do people lend me their trust, yet don't accept my trust? what have i done wrong to let anyone doubt my trust? i don't judge... it's not my place to judge. it's scary to trust, but it hurts when someone who knows me so well still won't trust me.

...

hm..

2009-04-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

I don't think this has sunk in quite yet. That would explain my calm demeanor at the moment.

My dad called, and said that he's considering going to Mexico for a year or two. To ride out the recession. Work is terrible for him right now. There's no room in the marketplace for a sewing machine mechanic.

He wouldn't be in Tijuana, though. Which is 2 hours from here. He'd be at the Arizona/Mexico border. Which is about 7 hours from here.

Hm.

It's kinda scary. Mostly the idea that I'd truly be by myself. My brother might go into the Navy. He's only brought that up once, so I don't know if he is or isn't.

I'd move out, though, if he left. Rent a tiny apartment of my own somewhere. Rent out our house to someone else. I can't maintain the entire house.

Hm, maybe I'm jumping ahead. It's all a maybe. Though, in this economy, I support my dad in anything he can do to ensure we won't go homeless.

cosplay progress list...

2009-04-05T12:57:00.001-07:00

quick list to myself so I know how much things are done... don't want to spam everywhere else XD

Souma- 45% need to make jacket, leggings, sandals, and add netting to bodice.
Dream Sakura- 60% need to add decorations, and trim hems
Infinity Sakura- 80% need to make boot buckles, buy collar, and add elastic t sleeves
Fay-30% gawd I have way too much left on this costume to even list T_T
Katara- 75% just need to add final touches to the robe. And finish make the necklace.

Then... I need to fix up Alison's Yuuko, tell Miguel what he needs to do to fix Kurogane.

If I can afford it, I need to get my contacts too. Green and blue colors is all I need...

Cosplay list for Fanime...
-Souma
-Dream Sakura
-Infinity Sakura
-Clow Sakura (just in case all else fails... I don't plan on wearing it)
-Aeris (still unsure as to when I'll wear this... maybe Saturday evening-ish)
-Fay... if I can finish. >.<

And Katara as a back up.

Jeebus I wanna finish Fay. The huge coat is done at least, but the other layers are giving me hell. I almost wanna give up on the costume entirely but I've spent too much time on it...rawriyido;ysvbvf

I'm gonna go eat...

You Can't Stop the Beat

2009-03-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

Listening to Broadway tracks makes me miss theater so much that it almost hurts. I miss that adrenaline rush of performing on stage... because you can't mess up, because everything has to be as perfect as possible for the audience, because there is no "Cut!". No chance to do it again.

I'm still incredibly sad that I missed Rent, but it's not killing me. I wonder if that means I'm moving on?

Hm. Singing class is making me miss performing, though singing isn't my strongest suit. I really feel terrifed singing and dont think I'm pleasant to listen to. But I'm enjoying it so far.

I would like to try theater at least once more in my life. To decide whether or not that's still a nook I can live in.

But nobody in my family would be able to support me. If I tried to audition for something, I'd have to not go to school for a semester, and request ridiculous hours for work. I wonder if I can pull it off, me being so immune to exhaustion -_-;;

long time no use...

2009-03-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

I usually post somewhere else but I haven't touched this place in a while. I don't know why I want to post here right now... I just do. I don't feel like going all emo on my livejournal and bugging my flist there.

I've always reassured friends and acquaintances that I'm not lonely. I basically live by myself in this empty home, and it seems like a college student's dream come true.

The thing is, I'm starting to get lonely. And even more than that... I'm really starting to resent my family. I feel like I virtually have no family. A mom that passed away. A dad I can barely even hold a conversation with. A brother who keeps moving and cutting his phone lines and popping out only when he needs a favor for me.

I do so much for them because they're my family.

Never from my dad have I ever gotten a "thank you". Never. I help him pay his bills, I translate and make important calls or show up to important meetings in his place, I do my best to make sure the house is still standing. I help him in any way that I possibly can.

But no "thank you". I somehow, always, manage to find a way to fuck everything up. And in the end all my efforts lead up to me being a good-for-nothing, lazy, useless thing of a daughter to him.

And I take it all in. I'm a fucking coward like that, I can never stand up to my dad. Or my brother. Or anybody.

Once again, like all my emo rants, I will hear "You're so brave! You're so strong! I'd never live through any of that!"

Yeah, well, keep your praises to yourself. They only put a tiny Band-Aid on my soul. It doesn't heal it.

I'm sick of being so strong. I'm collapsing... I'm breaking. I'm the one pillar holding this nearly non-existent family together, and I'm finding less of a reason to stay strong as I go on. I'll never be what my dad wanted me to be. And I don't even know what he wanted me to be. Another house wife? I'm not that smart. I've got vague talents that I have no desire to expand. Hm. Maybe I can kind of see where he gets the term "useless" for me.

Yet I'm way too stubborn to accept any help. Maybe I'm too proud. I love helping others but hate receiving help.

Sometimes I want to pack my car and go. Far away. Leave this life. Find a new one. Start over. Life hurts but the life I have hurts too much. There's no running from the past. But nobody lets me put it to rest.

It scares me that I'm finding less to live for nowadays. I was never like this. I can't open up to anybody. I don't have anyone to turn to because I just can't open up and accept help.

So many people rely on me being the strong pillar, that if they see me crumble and fall, they'll be ridiculously lost. And that burden is so ridiculous that nobody really has an idea of how hard it is. Anybody who tells me "I can't imagine what it must be like"... I just wanna tell them to shut it and stuff it.

I'm jealous of so many people around me. Who can focus as much energy as they want into studying. Into doing homework. Finishing chores around the house.

I'm worrying everyday about what my dad will be angry at next, if I can afford to pay that bill. Will I have a little money left for gas? And on top of all this... what will I eat?

I swear, if all this suffering will lead to a so-called better life, I better fucking find enlightenment by the time I'm 25 because this is ridiculous. I've never felt so broken and hurt and lonely and upset and uuuuuuughgodjsgjhg;ghb'euwoh/.

What have I done wrong? I can I do to make everything right again? To make things stop hurting...

"New Moon"

2008-09-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

This book annoyed me. A lot.

Seriously, get over yourself, Bella XD

I find it kind of sad that I enjoyed the preview for "Eclipse" more than the majority of "New Moon" lmao.

I did enjoy the ending somewhat, mostly because it set the gears in motion for the rest of the series.

Onto "Eclipse" now...

Trust

2008-09-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

I've realized that people don't trust me as much as I thought.

I've opened myself up to them, and given them my trust... and I get insecurity from them.

Bleh.

I wonder if I should even try to keep gaining peoples trust, if they don't have it already. It's a bit insulting, really. I don't think I've given others any reason to not trust me. But it hurts me, really... to have let myself trust others when they don't return the favor.

I think I'll just stop. It's not worth the effort.

Sorry for not posting as much, I've been rather busy. Again: bleh.

"Without You"

2008-08-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since I sat down and read a good book. Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series is okay, just not enough to keep me hooked. So I asked Miguel if I could borrow a book I bought him last Christmas, "Without You", by Anthony Rapp, who was originally casted as Mark Cohen in Rent.

And by "originally", it can't be any truer: he was cast as Mark right away from when the show was in the workshop, and the character and later songs were written for Anthony by Jonathan Larson himself.

I didn't know what to expect from reading this, and immediately caught on to just how eerily similar the story of Rent was for him, as well as the other members of the cast and crew (Anthony was late for his audition, having been at a memorial service for a friend. Very much like Mark, who was late for his interview with a TV news show because he was at a close friend's funeral).

I was ready and braced for the grief he described when Jonathan Larson, the writer of the show, died the night of the final dress rehearsal, just before the show opened Off-Broadway, from a heart anyeurism that had gone undetected by doctors, even though he'd gone to two different hospitals complaining of flu-like symptoms. It broke my heart to read just how his death left the cast and crew so shocked and rattled and angry and sad... Daphne Ruben-Vega pretty much worded it quite appropriately:

"Jonathan, man," Daphne said, her voice thick and low, her eyes still moist with tears. "That fucker. What does he think he's doing, leaving us like this? That motherfucker."

"Yeah," I said.

"But, I don't know," Daphne continued. "I don't know. I guess he was done, you know? I guess he did what he had to do, and just split. Asshole."

I can't get over just how tragic this turned out: Rent ended up with Jonathan earning a post-humous Pulitzer Prize for Drama, countless Tony nominations and wins, and thousands of performances on Broadway, around the United States, and in different countries, including a run on London's West End. The Broadway show plans on closing at the end of this summer, with the creators who worked with Jonathan calling it the "end of an era".

However, what I didn't expect from this book was the description of the pain over losing his mother to cancer during the production and success of the show.

Whenever he wrote about his mother's progressively failing health, I, of course, remembered the exact same things I had gone through, seeing my mom fading away and unwilling to accept it.

I was especially touched when he wrote about the show's opening on Broadway, and his mother, who was already in the midst of her cancer treatment, who was there to see him with other family members.

I remembered my mom attending my high school plays, always complaining about how much work I put into these, wondering what I loved about the stage so much, telling me to put my effort elsewhere. Then she'd see me performing...

During the curtain call, I finally started to let go, and tears streamed down my face, my chest heaving, as we bowed, and bowed again, and bowed again. I looked up and saw Mom joining the standing ovation, and my heart bursted open, and more tears sprang to my eyes.

Practically the same thing I'd feel when I saw my mom clapping for me. Except I didn't sob during curtan-calls: I never performed something so moving that evoked me to cry while we bowed XD

The correlation between Anthony Rapp's life with my spooked me, though we defiantely had different childhoods: I grew up quietly, raised by my mom, with the presence of my brother, my dad every once in a while.

He whisked his mom away to take him to different auditions and productions and movie sets. He, too, lacked the presence of his dad, though was surrounded by an older brother and sister, and a young cousin adopted into his family.

Anthony Rapp considers himself bi-sexual, with a preference towards men. He found himself more attracted to men, though he admitted that there were a few sexy individual women who defiantely caught his attention. I admired his "coming out of the closet", and his struggle to be accepted by his family, mostly, his brother and mother. It warmed my heart that he definately was accepted, albeit with some painful spots here and there, but no one can reject a family member unless they are truly heartless.

And, of course, the passing of his mother is what drove me to tears. Everything he described... the occassional rushes of adrenaline that are unexplained as you feel someone you love slip away, the last minute make-ups, and sorrys, and forgiveness'. Endless I Love Yous, and endless tears.

He wasn't there when his mother passed away. He had to be told via pay-phone at the airport as he made his way back home. I realized how lucky I was to actually see my mother pass-away; to see it for yourself, and not be told through a cold phone.

Anthony had asked his mother what her favorite part from the show had been. She'd answered with the Life Support scene, where the AIDS-stricken group continously sing "Will I lose my dignity?".

My mom had watched the movie with me on several occassions. I though the gay and lesbian content would leave her unsettled, but she loved the story, and it's strong message of carpe diem and living through hardship, whether it's heartbreak or disease.

Her favorite song was "Seasons of Love". She loved the lyrics that counted down the minutes of a year...

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure, measure a year?

I thought about it while I read the book... and I found a new meaning and new reason to love the song: it seems like a lot of time in one year, and a lifetime lasts a year. But even then, a year, and a life, is numbered, and timed, and will one day run out of time.

I could gush on and on about this book, and I'm going to buy my own copy soon (my new ultimate goal is to stalk Anthony Rapp down and get him to sign it XD). I was able to look back at my actions revolving around my mom's death, and I'm happy to say that I behaved according to how one should grieve, and feel no shame whatsoever.

My favorite quote, ironically, isn't in the words of Anthony Rapp, but rather, his brother's, via a play his brother Adam Rapp wrote, and Anthony performed in:

"Grief does not expire like a candle or the beacon on a lighthouse. It simply changes temperature."

Yes, I'm listening to the OBC sountrack as I write this ("What You Own" is currently playing. Jonathan Larson collapsed while this song was being rehearsed), and the book revived my inner Rent-head. But I now see the show with new eyes... I can only imagine how it must've been like for the cast, as they sang and performed what seemed like a pre-written eulogy to Jonathan Larson, and with several songs and lyrics and lines evoking memories of loved ones to the cast and crew, and how it does the same thing to the audience.

I'm quite sad that they are closing Rent, but in a sense, it's like laying Jonathon Larson to a permanent rest, as well as the painful and wonderful memories that came with this show, to anyone and everyone affected by it's strong message in any way.

Me in a VERY large nutshell

2008-08-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

Please tell me... does this actually sound like me?

I find it incredibly creepy.

What Nataly Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Have you done this, yet, Joey?

2008-08-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

In response to Joey's blog, I remembered this scene from Malcom in the Middle.

If you've danced to ABBA songs, Joey, then we need to stop taking the dodgeballs away from the little kids for the sake of the future, lol.

Hurricane Fay is comming!!

2008-08-17T21:14:00.001-07:00

Well, it'll hit Florida. It looks like it's a pretty bad storm, too. It's already done quite a lot of damage in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.

Though the reason why I'm posting it up is not because of my concern of hurricanes. Yes, the damage they do makes me quite unsettled.

But, as heartless as it sounds, only few people will understand why I'm laughing at the hurricane name so much.

XD

Odd Week

2008-08-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly getting lazier and lazier when it comes to blogging. Blah.

This week was rather... interesting.

It consisted of Freddy's birthday party, a random hangout, two cosplay photoshoots, a trip to the Griffith Park Observatory, and lots of Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Sunday through Thursday, spent with the people I cherish most in the world.

...I'm tired.

Rules of etiquette when you're at the cashier

2008-08-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

--DON'T talk on your cell phone while you're buying something. It's rude and it makes you look more concieted than you think, as though nothing but the person you're talking to at the time is more important.

Calling someone to comfirm something you're buying is okay. Having a full-out conversation when you walk up to the register and paying absolutely no attention to what the employee is doing is mean and kinda stupid; we might have to repeat ourselves over and over again, and you might not be paying attention to what you're even doing, causing you to eventually waste more time.

You should NOT be having the most important conversation of your life while buying a notebook or a latte.

-- DO NOT COUGH/SNEEZE/SPIT/SPRAY at their faces.

...Do I really need to say more on that one?

And if you do, PLEASE, at LEAST, say "Excuse me" !!!

Ugghhh.... stupid lady, I think she got me sick. An hour after that happened, I started feeling dizzy =(

Meeting Tourists

2008-08-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

I think that's why I'd love to work at Disneyland: I love meeting people from around the world!

Several weeks ago, tehre was a babble of girls floating around the cafe. They spoke Spanish, but something in their accent was slightly different. I noticed the different dialect, and gathered that they were from South America or even Europe.

Sure enough, when they came up to the counter with several questions in broken English, I answered in Spanish. They seemed rather delighted.

"Where are you from?"

"Barcelona, Spain!"

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered what on earth they were doing in Montclair. Still, they had tons of shopping bags and looked rather excited, and something made me happy to see them having fun in this puny little place.

On my first weekend on the bookfloor, I rung up a man with a heavy accent.

"Do you have a Barnes & Nobles membership card, sir?"

"No. I'm just a Swedish tourist, so I don't see the point in owning one."

"Oh! And what brings you out here?"

"I love California! Who doesn't?"

I then proceeded to have a conversation with him, telling him how very not too many people that I know actually like living here, but I couldn't find a better place. Sure, I've never seen a snowflake in my life, but we do have it (I can find snow 20 miles north on Mt Baldy, I've just never been there XD).

Today, I noticed a group of Asian girls waiting outside the store, and a few of them were inside. I was recovering misplaced magazines, and was walking around the girls, who were looking at the magazines themselves. Though they spoke very quickly, I swore they were speaking Japanese.

Eventually, one of the girls noticed my name badge, and realized I worked there. She came up to me to ask for a guide book.

"A guide book for California?"

"Yes. We're visiting."

"Oh? From where?"

"Japan!"

"Really? I'm trying to learn Japanese right now."

"Oh, say something!"

"Umm.... watashi wa Nataly desu!"

"Oh, sugoi!!"

Her friends came around the corner just in time to hear me introduce myself, though I felt a bit guilty: they though they found someone fluent in Japanese. They asked me questions in Japanese, and I laughed and managed to say "Chotto...", which implied "a bit".

The girl was trying to find a book on Santa Monica beach, or a shopping guide, and I was unable to find something for her.

Still, I was rather surprised that she seemed so excited that I could introduce myself, and it made me feel rather nice XD

Weird mood again

2008-08-01T01:32:00.000-07:00

Feeling anxious. Restless.

And I just felt the need to let things out today.

In the privacy of my home, I blasted on my favorite songs, ranging from Broadway songs to pop songs to J-pop songs, and just sang. It feels great to belt out, whether or not my voice sucks or not.

Oh, ahead of time: thanks for the "your voice doesn't suck" comments ;)

I still felt restless.

I tried to type out random stories, fanfiction and original, yet nothing really flowed out. The ideas floated around in my head but refused to be typed out.

I tried to go back to working on my costumes. But the lack of a working sewing machine discouraged me... I don't feel like hand sewing an entire gothic dress.

I ended up drawing. I was aiming for fanart at first, but ended up with a rather original drawing.

Wow... me being original?

That was definately refreshing.

I wish I had more time to try things of my own... writing my own music and stories, making my own clothes and designs, and drawing original art.

Don't get me wrong, I adore expanding on my favorite fandoms and cosplaying, if anything, cosplay really is my newfound joy (my inner actor is the one that loves it... walking around pretending to be your favorite character? Who doesn't love that!).

But I've actually realized how much more original I actually am than I lead others to believe.

I only lack time. Blah.

Random blog is random. I think I'll go to bed now...

New 'Half-blood Prince' trailer

2008-07-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

I love it :D

The fact that the trailer centers around Tom Riddle... I just love it! The irony is that Voldemort himself wasn't actually in this book (they talked loads and loads about him but the one in Harry's time never showed up).

Tom Riddle is cute as a kid XD

This one looks pretty good. I'm rather excited for it =D

Surpise Cosplay Visit

2008-07-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

So, I went to visit Nick and Christina, simply because I missed them, and because they had a few of my anime DVDs xP

Miguel also had to return a game, so we decided to go pay a visit.

I also knew they had been sorely sorry for missing out on AX, and they had wanted to cosplay with is so badly, and wanted to see mine, too.

So, Miguel came over at about 4:30, and I put on my still somewhat torn, tattered Sakura cosplay. Wig included.

We didn't tell them, we wanted to surprise them. So when I pulled up, and Christina saw me, she completely freaked out and started jumping up and down. I went inside where she called out for Nick, who was also freaking out XD

I also brought the unfinished Fay coat, originally sized for him, to wear for the first time. He did not want to take the dratted thing off!!

And the coat looked great on him, he really would've been am excellent Fay.

The twins' mom and grandmother looked at the coat and the Sakura outfit (I changed soon after I got there, I just didn't want to sit in my cosplay all day xD), and they kept saying the outfits were beautiful. They seriously couldn't get over them. I really felt rather flattered.

And asides from that, it was just great to hang out with them. It felt like we were at a rehearsal for a play again. I also met another friend, also named Christina. She's really funny XD

I also managed to kill some hours at the language lab by watching Princess Mononoke. I was really enjoying it but I had been at the lab for several hours and I couldn't finish it... I still had 40 minutes left.

I'll finish it tomorrow lol.

And if time permits (or if I still need the hours), I'll try to watch Spirited Away on Thursday. I've only seen parts of it and I've liked it, but I still can't fully rememebr because I was drifting in and out of sleep XD

"Fired"

2008-07-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

Okay before everyone freaks out:

No, I didn't get fired from my job.

Though I have a feeling I came awfully close to.

Since Lorelai took over, she's been pushing us and pushing us to go a mile a minute or faster, making sure we do everything absolutely accurately and on time, if not faster, and throwing a million chores at a time. Okay I exaggerate...

But I simply wasn't able to keep up. I'd come to work and immdediately be stressed and pressured to finish things while serving customers, and... I wasn't able to keep up. I wouldn't finish chores, I'd lag behind... and I knew I wasn't exactly much help to Lorelai.

I came into work today, and one of the store managers, John, walked past me.

"Nataly, what's you're availability?"

"For...?"

"Lorelai told you you're transferring to book floor, right?"

"No."

"Oh. Okay, well, I need you to write down your availability and put it up on the notice board in the break room, and be ready to work on book floor starting next week."

"Oh. Okay..."

Lorelai told me once I went over to the cafe at the start of my shift.

I seriously, honestly think it's because I just didn't suit up to Lorelai's preference over at the cafe. I don't think it's a step up... there are others who're WAY better than me in the cafe that are staying exactly where they are.

And while I don't mind moving over to the bookfloor (I've worked there once and kinda liked it), I know that I came somewhat close to just being let go. I don't know if Lorelai didn't want to completely fire me, or if John saved me, but...

I'm laughing over being fired within the same job to go to another section of the exact same place.

XD

"Guy Love"

2008-07-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

Some of you might remember Alison's blog from January, with the totally awesome clip from Scrubs where they sing about, well, "guy love".

Being the dork that I am, I found it dubbed to my favorite pairing of all time, and the video totally made my day, making Miguel and I crack up as we ate cookies. XD

Yes I'm a dork. So sue me XD

Hm...

2008-07-13T00:09:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I've been in such a subdued mood at work lately.

I just come in, work, and rarely speak to anyone anymore. I barely even talked when my coworker asked how Anime Expo was... and I've been gushing about that to everyone lately.

A frequent customer who's very nice saw me the other day, and as I walked by his table, he called out to me.

"Hello Nataly. Keep up that lovely smile!"

I couldn't help but smile. I realized then that I've rarely been smiling at work at all.

I think it has to do with my current relationship with my job. I get a ton of hours on the week I didn't need them, and now they've been cut again.

There's also a strange tension. I can tell that not everyone is incredibly fond of our manager. I worked with her tonight, and I can't bring myself to dislike her; she's really nice. She's under a lot of pressure... lately our inventory and stock has been out of whack, as well as schedules and such.

So I tried not to be a pain, and jsut did my tasks, and asked her what she wanted me to do next.

I wasn't down, or sad today-- well, maybe just a bit sad. That's a different matter, though, one I'm not up to explaining right now.

I think my manager caught the vibe though. And she tried to cheer me up.

During my bake prep, I was tried to cut through sticky frozen rice krispie treats when she came running into the back.

"Come look, Nataly, it's pouring outside!!"

I came out to look, and for some reason, seeing the rain pounding down cheered me up.

I can't explain it. It just made me feel better.

Odd.

Random rant, I know. Sue me.

Quick Anime Expo Update

2008-07-09T06:38:00.003-07:00

Too lazy and in a rush to write a long report.

But Anime Expo rocked.

Simple as that =D

-_-;;

2008-06-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Too tired and pissed off to write a full explination. So here goes.

My manager didn't give me Thursday, July 3rd, off for AX.

I'm scheduled to work 5pm-close (midnight).

I am currently trying to switch a shift with someone else, and if they agree, then I would work 7:30am-3:30pm.

I'd still be late but oh well.

Sunday is looking sketchy: the schedule for the week after hasn't been put up. I have Friday and Saturday off, but they're not written in as "Requested Off", they're just my days off that week (I work Sunday-Thursday next week). I fucking hope I get Sunday off or I'm fighting tooth and nail for it.

Drew told me to play hookie and just call in sick. Too bad my other manager heard it, so that option is out.

I knew me getting more hours was too good. T_T

And a shout out to my friends: we're canceling the skit. Maybe we'll do it at Fanime, but yeah... no skit.

Exhuastion...

2008-06-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to have a 2-8 shift yesterday, but a girl called in sick, so They moved it to 4-close *midnight, so an eight hour shift).

Alright, no big deal. I close all the time.

I show up, and it's extremely busy. And the two people working at the time were nearing overtime. They franticly tried to get a hold of this other girl, who was supposed to close with me, and see if she could come in earlier.

No answer.

Okay, so they assumed she would show up at the start of her shift, at five.

It was 5:15, my two coworkers had long passed overtime, and the girl was nowhere to be seen.

They had to leave, and while the store manager got a bookseller to help me do register while I made drinks, he tried to get a hold of her. She did not pick up.

They called in Drew, a guy who works on bookfloor, to come in on his day off and help me in the cafe. He ran the register for me, and would also grab food for people, and I made the drinks.

It's also very hot, and people don't want to spend a hot Sunday at their home. So, they go to the mall to get free air conditioning. They are also very thirsty. And Starbucks is too popular for it's own good. Because we carry the logo, everyone ignore the even bigger, brown Barnes and Nobles Cafe over the Proudly Brewing Starbucks Coffee logo. So everyone flocks there, thinking we have nice, cold frappaccinos ready for them.

We had a line stretching all the way towards the magazine racks for two hours straight.

It's unfair to say that I ran it by myself, I really didn't: Drew was a great help and so were other booksellers (they were short in the main store, too). But I was incredibly pissed off to have been left like that.

I was also extremely irritated with people, who would stand in line for ages, then barely stare at the menu when they get to the register going "Ummm... oh, man, I have NO idea what I want to get... give me a moment..."

-_-;;;

If you're stuck in a long line, please do the workers the favor of knowing what you want when you hit the register.

Also, a lot of people who didn't buy things from us complained when the water pitchers ran out of water in the dining room: I know this soudns incredibly rude, but free water isn't our top priority. Yes, we don't want to be stingy on our water, but when they go straight the the end of the bar and constantly harass me about the water while they see me making three drinks at a time for paying customers, it gets me quite mad.

It's also no my fault when certain foods are decafinated or have coffee in them, and it's also not my fault that something tastes too sweet for you.

I know it sounds like I'm such a bitch, but I do adore my job, when I get mellow customers. And I do explain how I can customize their drinks, and I love customizing them, it's fun. Just... ask me for every single ingredient detail when the'res a 20 person line behind you...

We left at 12:15am last night. I was 15 minutes away from hitting overtime, and everyone was exhuasted. I actually feel asleep on the counter at customer service while waiting for our manager, using my folded-up apron as a pillow (it smelled like cookies, espresso and creme frappaccinos.)

During the last 5 hours of the store hours, a total of seven of us were running the entire joint. I heard it didn't go too smoothly on bookfloor either. We were all really pissed off. But our manager gave us tiny little gift cards each, as a thanks for pulling through such a rough day.

I work, and close, again tonight, and one of the cafe managers will close with me. I hope I didn't mess up closing last night... I really did my best but I forget too many things when I'm nervous >.<

Drew and I are also trying to tune in on the fate of the no-show (lol I sound like such a bitch. I truly adore everyone who works at the place; my cafe family, the booksellers, even the managers... I'm just being a bit mean for being left hanging, and I also only worked with this girl twice before; she's new).

I. Am. So. Tired. T_T

Cosplay Gatherings @ AX

2008-06-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

For my cosplay group, these are the gatherings at AX this year. They actually fall well into our plans, woot woot!! XD

I'm also putting this up to remind myself of the times

Friday, July 4th- CLAMP gathering at 1pm (LACC stairs site #3)

I'm kinda mad at one thing: the Code Geass gathering is on the same day at the same time of this gathering XD

Nuuu... I wanted to glomp a Lelouch and Suzaku XP

Anyways...

Other notable gatherings on that day that some of us might want to check out:
-Kingdom Hearts gathering @ 12pm
-Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya @ 3pm
-Ouran High School Host Club @ 4:30pm
-Super Smash Brothers Brawl @ 6pm
-Neon Genesis Evangelion @ 7pm

Saturday, July 5th- no actual notable cosplay gathering lmao. Friday seems to be the main haul...but just to toss it out there:

-Full Metal Alchemist @3pm
-Legend of Zelda @ 3pm

Sunday, July 6th- I suppose I'll wear my Aeris on this day.
-Final Fantasy @ 12pm

And for those interested:
-Avatar @ 1pm
-Death Note @ 3pm

I'm so excited...now to actually go and register my lazy ass to the convention... lmao I'm made of epic fail X'D

Jealousy??

2008-06-14T13:10:00.001-07:00

I've been envious. I know the feeling of envy too well, where you wish you were in that person's shoes, but not so drastically.

Jealousy... I haven't felt this emotion in years. I try to keep away from jealousy, telling myself that it's not meant for me, its for them. But I think I've heard about something that I think I deserve more, for the first time in a while.

Ugh, I feel terrible, yet I don't care.

I know I'm going to get a horde of people telling me "Don't be jealous and bitter, you're not like that!" or "It really was not meant for you, so don't question it." Meh. I don't care. Let me be jealous for a bit.

I really, really don't deserve the shadows anymore.

Disneyland!!

2008-06-13T12:39:00.001-07:00

I realized yesterday... I love Disneyland, I really do. But I've been the "guest" for too long. I really, really REALLY want to work there now. Be a "cast member", the "host". They still make me smile and be awed like a kid, I want to be the one to do that to others now.

I'm going to audition for more plays at my school in the fall. Then I'll figure out how to build up a resmue, and audition for performing roles for Disneyland. It simply looks like too much fun, to interract with well-known characters and make everyone else smile.

I FINALLY bought my most wanted souvenier yesterday while there (Freddy and I went for the day): I bought the Disneyland Sountrack XD

Now I'm going to feel like I'm there anytime I want (I'm listening to Tarzan's Treehouse medley, and New Orleans Square jazz music, I swear I just walked through Adventureland and roaming towards Pirates).

Or once I (finally) get my liscense, I'll just apply to work as a ride operator (Indiana Jones, FTW!!). I know the gas would kill me but it's worth it to me. Very much worth it.

I'll post pictures soon of our day yesterday! I forgot my camera so I stole Freddy's for the day and took a good chunk of pictures, most of them are of Indiana Jones though XD

They have a new theme for Adventureland: "Indiana Jones and the Summer of Mysterious Adventures". They ceased the old Aladdin's Oasis show and hold a small show there now, for Indiana Jones, where he fights a fellow archeoligist for a powerful relic.

He also roams around Adventureland throughout the whole day, weaving through the crowd and into shops, while being hunted down by a big guy. They stage random fights on rooftops, balconies, and even Tarzan's Treehouse, where they fight for the map.

At one point he called out to me. I spotted him on a balcony, and run over to take a picture. He pointed at me.

"Hey lady, hey, I really need your help!"

Me: "o.o me?? *yayyyy*"

"There's this big guy after me, you've gotta tell me if you've seen him recently... he's wearing a turban and has a red sash, he's after this map, you see..."

"HE'S BEHIND YOU INDY! GET HIM!!"

And they fought. XD He took the map back, then looked back at me.

"Thanks for your help, lady!" He tipped his hat at me, then took off.

Me: "Nyaaa~!"

I was practically stalking him all day lmao. I wanted to snap a picture of him up close but he was moving so fast!!

A lot of rides were broken, but they were fixed later (we tried to get on Indiana Jones, and it was broken. They opened it soon afterwards, and we ran on. ). We tried to get on Space Mountain but it was broken. So we ran over to Thunder Mountain and it, too, was broken XD

They all reopened, though, so we were able to get on. I explained to Freddy that the rides are probably exhuasted: fo rhte past two weeks, they've had Grad Nite, so some rides have been operating for about 72 hours straight.

Must go to Disneyland before the month is over... my pass expires July 9!!

I loved it when they scanned by pass at the front gate, the computer screen read "Nataly Guzman, welcome back!"

XD Oh Disneyland, you know me too much.

Progress?! o.o

2008-06-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

I cheered myself up a bit today by indulging in my favorite yet very time-consuming hobby: cosplaying!!

I was able to progress further, and was able to finish my shirt for Sakura!!

Lovely photos taken by Alison ^_^

I look like my mom in that last picture @_@ I remember when she had her hair that length and color LOL.

My pants were finished ages ago, but they need to be ironed, BADLY. I can't find my iron though o.O How odd is that...

And I still need to add clear straps to this top: its off shoulder and REALLY loose, so I need to put those straps so the shirt doesn't, erm, slip down XD

Now to work on the skirt and sash, and I'm done!! =D

If you've noticed...

2008-06-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

I've been rather detatched lately.

I'm sorry.

I've just been aching a bit, for things I won't have for a very long time. For things I've lost. For stuff that I might not obtain. For things I might lose.

If I've been cold to you, I'm sorry. I really don't mean it.

Well, maybe I do. I kinda wanna be left alone for a bit.

I've just felt really angered with current situations that it's seeped into everything I do. I've been too damn dependant that it's gotten to me. I don't feel like I'm bother people, but being forced to be dependent makes me really unrested, as if I'm unable to control my life.

I know I'm dodging the obvious question: what's wrong?

I'd rather not answer now.

More work... yay?

2008-06-10T00:43:00.001-07:00

The good news: I've gotten a few more hours.

My day was marred by my manager today, though. When I came in to work, she spoke to me in the back for a minute.

"Hey, I know you've requested more hours, but in order for me to do that, you need to show me that you deserve those hours. You can see we're doing a lot of changes around here, so in the next three weeks I need to you to show me that you are capable of working here."

...

What. The. Hell?!

So, for the first four-five months I've been working there, I got the approval of Dawn, the regional trainer and manager, who trained me herself and told me herself that I was doing well and getting better and better.

Then my hours get cut to 6 a week (if I were lucky) for the past month and a half, and I came in so rarely a lot of people though I quit or got fired, and I'd come in to find new items and drinks that I have no idea how to make, and still don't because I work so little and get tasks thrown at me like I have the whole week.

And I'm told to show her I have the capability to work there when I don't even get the chance?!

T_T

I don't know why that pissed me off so much. I understand that she wants me to show that I deserve more hours, but I'm not asking for 8 hours every day... having at least three 4-hour shifts a week is more than what I want.

I just got mad that she asked for me to prove myself when I haven't been given the chance (and time) to do so.

But a group of astronomers made my night: there was a neat group of people with telescopes set up outside our bookstore. While I went out to chain up the chairs and tables, this man called out to me.

"Hey, I know you're working, but you do want to look at the moon?"

I glanced into the store and saw they weren't very busy, so I hurried over and looked through two telescopes.

I could see the craters on the moon in detail, it looked so pretty. There were so many, it looked like a bit piece of Swiss Cheese.

He then pointed to a really enourmous, wooden, antique-looking telelscope.

"Look through that one. You'll see Saturn."

Excited, I looked through it. It was tiny but the rings were so incredibly distinct, it was just breathtaking.

"How cool!" was all I said. The guy laughed.

I finished up chaining and went back inside. My coworker saw me take a peek, and said her dad had a telescope and would show her and her sister planets and the moon.

I wish I could've looked through them longer, those people looked like they were having a lot of fun stargazing.

Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion

2008-06-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

Yay for a new anime obsession?? lol. Lelouch, Suzaku, and Nunally remind me of Kamui, Syaoran, and Sakura in this picture, respectively. I'll try to be as spoiler-free as possible.

I couldn't say no to something that fellow Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle fans recommended to me: an anime with character designs by CLAMP. Though it's not a storyline by them, I'm still enjoying the obvious link in animation and character style.

I can easily tell it's not CLAMP's storyline: it's not as angsty XD. Which is good; I'm getting my healthy dose of character angst from Tsubasa, I don't need more at the moment.

The premise of this story is fairly intriguing: The Empire of Brittania has nearly conquered the entire world, labeling each country with a number. They reach and invade Japan in 2010, giving it the codename "Area 11", and stripping the Japanese people of their culture and heritage, simply calling them "elevens".

Lelouch is a full-blooded Brittanian who hates the Brittanian empire. Hence he becomes the leader of a rebellion against the empire aided by a special power called the "Geass".

I really do wonder what the British think of this anime, seeing it's quite obvious who the Brittanian Empire is based off of.

It reminds me of Evangelion, too, in the sense that they use giant robotic things that look a lot like the Eva Units.

But yes. I'm loving this anime. And now Miguel is, too. Muahahaha....

Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep-- leaked trailer

2008-06-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

The quality of the video is annoying, but worth it. I squealed and gasped, this makes no sense so far XD

Damn youuu, Ven, why do you have to look/act/talk like Roxas?! Who the hell are you?! XD

I can see the TerraxVen fans lining up already, though. -_-;;

Anyways, just watch XD It's a translated verion, too.

"Top 25 Animated Movies"

2008-06-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

http://movies.aol.com/movie-photo/best-animated-movies

It's just from www.aimtoday.com, but this was still pretty fun to look at. And I agree with pretty much every selection.

I've only not seen, like, 3 of the ones listed.

I am kind of mad that "Anastasia" wasn't on that list though >=(

Sweeny Todd nearly slit my throat today...

2008-06-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

No, really...

In my acting class, a fellow classmate asked if our professor could evaluate his performance of "Epiphany" from Sweeny Todd.

He also asked for a random gal to stand in as Mrs. Lovvett. I went ahead.

Then I remembered the scene, and when I saw him pull a real, albeit blunted, razor out of his pocket, I simply looked like this -------> O.O;;

I didn't know the razor was blunt until after the scene. XD

What caught my interest is that this guy is going to be performing this at ComiCon this year!!

Hurrah, I'm findnig more cosplay geeks nowadays!! I talked to him after class and he'll be going to Anime Expo as well, and cosplaying various video game and anime characters. He asked if I cosplayed, and I said I was going as Sakura from Tsubasa Chronicle and Aeris.

"I haven't watched Tsubasa, but I love Aeris!!"

Hehe.

That guy did a REALLY good job, though. He was very intense and actually sang the song (he sang a' capella, we weren't in the studio theater since it's being taken over by the set for the next play, so we were in a little classroom), he held a great tone and was jsut incredibly into character as Sweeny Todd... he didn't hold back a bit, he sang and yelled at me while being four inches away from my face.

And he really held the razor at my neck. THAT's when I got a quite scared (his face up close was quite frightful too). The razor was very blunt, though, it won't cut anything.

My scene kinda sucked...though everyone seemed to like it. I didn't memorize it in time, due to the fact that I have 5 monologues in one scene. My scene partner only had 10 lines. He mostly "slept" through the scene XD

Anyways, that was quite random and I just had to talk about it. I hope I did an okay Mrs. Lovett for him (the razor did scare me so yeah...)

"Renew today!"

2008-06-03T16:24:00.001-07:00

You know, if my job was actually giving me decent hours, I might've been able to afford to renew my annual pass at Disneyland.

T_T

I've got one month left on it. I barely went at all! Awww...

I need a new job, seriously. This is starting to piss me off.

A Day to Myself

2008-05-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

I took the bus to the Claremont Village, where I went to the bank to fix something up on my account.

Afterwards I ate at a pizzaria, though I ate a sandwhich, not pizza XD

I wandered around for a bit, enjoying a rare little day to myself. I went into some of the shops in the Village, looking at cultural clothes I wish I could afford.

I wandered to the Bridges Auditorium in Pomona College, where Claremont High School was putting up "Beauty and the Beast". I went because Stephanie had a walk-on part that she "bought" at a school auction, and she wanted me to go. She mostly hid in the back during the mob song because she's so shy. She looked cute, though.

Watching this made me miss being in theater. I haven't even auditioned for anything in a year. And they had a live orchestra, which made me miss my flute.

I need to pick this stuff up again, I'm even getting lazy in my acting class T_T

Cons and Cosplay

2008-05-29T01:09:00.000-07:00

I feel so nerdy, I love it!!

So, this side of FanimeCon, Anime Expo suddenly seems around the corner. Oh wait, it is. Oyyyy~

To everyone in our Tsubasa group: I need you here as often as possible for the next month. I can't do all this on my own and while I'm nearly done with two more cosplays, I will need as much help as possible!!

My goal is to finish my Sakura costume by Sunday. Fay's cosplay must be finished by next friday. After that, my focus will be on Chii's cosplay. I am hoping that Alison and Miguel can finish a good portion with me helping them.

So, I'm incredibly psyched, as Lunarloopcosplay invited me to do photoshoots with them if I am ever in the Bay Area. They are pretty popular in the northern California area, and said if I get any of my Tsubasa costumes done, I'd be more than welcome to join them in photo sessions.

O.O whaaa??? I haven't even finished a Tsubasa cosplay and they invite me to photo sessions XD

FanimeCon was incredibly fun. I'm not going to post a full summary but wow. It's definately one I'll be going to for a bit, that drive is very much worth it.

I made an incredible amount of friends, too.

And Christopher cosplayed for the first time as Syaoran!! He had so much fun. He's bugging me to finish Sakura soon, he wants to take pictures with me instead of random fan-crazy Sakura's XD

Oh yayyyy I feel so lame =D

The jacket, the whip and the Fedore are back

2008-05-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'll probably talk about spoilers from "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

Ignoring Victor's rant about how "boring" and "stupid" and "plotless" this movie was, with Monique agreeing with him, I loved this movie.

Christopher came out liking it too, as did Bacon, with one major complaint about it: it was about aliens.

I figured it out well into the movie; the crystal skull's elongnated cranium, and the talk of the God's descending from the sky to teach the Mayans everything they learned, gave it away.

The crystal skull legend has always revolved around aliens, a skull made out of beautiful crysal, so well-shaped, that it would be impossible for it to have been the work of human craftwork. Indiana Jones usually takes rumours about certain artifacts and expands them greatly to make the movie work (the Ark of the Covenant disintigrating anything who looks at it into dust). Hence why I loved it.

It was chilling to see him in the intro, just having been kidnapped and brought to Area 51 by the Russians (no more Nazi's; instead of excavating in the 1930s, its now the late 1950s. The commies are his enemies now). His hat getting tossed out of the trunk of the car, followed by Indiana Jones himself. Just his sillouette against the car while putting the hat back on was more than enough to give me chills.

Seeing the Ark of the Covenant inside a broken crate inside the enourmous werehouse in Area 51 was just great, since the ending to Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of my favorite endings ever: a powerful, mysterious biblical object being sealed away, and joins the enourmously long list of things needed to be examined. It is stored away in the enourmous werehouse, probably not to be opened for years.

And seeing Indiana Jones survive a nuclear blast is probabaly a big hint for him to, er, retire.

Also, seeing Indiana Jones falling victim to McCarthyism, getting removed from his post in his University, and being hunted down by both the Federal Government and the Russian Communist Paty was rather sad to see. Of course, though, he'd probably be a huge suspect of being involved with Communism.

Shia LeBouf did a WONDERFUL job as a new character. I loved the tradition of taking the name of a dog: "Indiana" came from Henry Jones's dog, which was actually George Lucas's dog's name. Now Shia LeBouf's character is named "Mutt".

An Marion Ravenwood returns. She was probabl the best girl Indy was with, one with actual backbone.

I'm tied now as to which one is my favorite, it's either this one or "The Last Crusade".

But I was just so giddy over the usual Indiana Jones stuff: car chases, dog fights, massive punching, and Indy's fear of snakes.

I would NOT mind seeing this movie again <3

2008-05-21T19:29:00.001-07:00

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull <--I see it tonight. Hooray!!

Fanime Con 2008 in San Jose this weekend. Woot!!

And the rest is just up to me to mull over. No worries ^_^

Walt Disney Quotes

2008-05-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

My interview for the internship is tomorrow morning. I will go to bed soon to be awake for it, but before that, I looked up some famous quotes by Disney himself to inspire me. I also just watched Meet the Robinsons, which turned out to be a rather charming movie (I'd kinda lost faith in new Disney movies recently).

-All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

-I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.

-I'd say it's been my biggest problem all my life... it's money. It takes a lot of money to make these dreams come true.

-It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

-Or heritage and ideals, our code and standards - the things we live by and teach our children - are preserved or diminished by how freely we exchange ideas and feelings.

-People still think of me as a cartoonist, but the only thing I lift a pen or pencil for these days is to sign a contract, a check, or an autograph.

-The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique.

-The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.

-There is more treasure in books than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and at the bottom of the Spanish Main... and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life.

-When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it's because he's so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

-You're dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway.

-There's nothing funnier than the human animal.

-We allow no geniuses around our Studio.

-Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children.

-Disneyland will never be completed. It will continue to grow as long as there is imagination left in the world.

-We did it Disneyland, in the knowledge that most of the people I talked to thought it would be a financial disaster - closed and forgotten within the first year.

-I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

-I only hope that we don't lose sight of one thing - that it was all started by a mouse.

-We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

-All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.

It's acknowledged that Walt Disney wasn't perfect: he followed the racial stereotypes of his day and was a tragic chainsmoker.

Yet the fact that he did his absolute best to overlook his own faults and put them aside for a happy life, is what inspires me.

I don't care if people laugh at me, saying I'm pathetic for sticking to childhood stories at my age. I'm a big kid at heart, otherwise, there's no fun in life. Until my beliefs in dreams actually fails on me, I think I'll stick to the belief of "happily ever after".

So... I'll do my best on my interview, I REALLY want this. =D

Just to catch up...

2008-05-17T01:13:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, gay marriage became legal in California.

While those who are fighting this new law have every right to do so, I personally am really happy that this is happening. I am not one who is very knowledgable in politics so I find it unfair to say why to much other than personal opinion.

But, I really am ectsatic over this. While I don't plan on marrying a woman, for those close to me who don't plan on falling in love with the opposite sex, I'm glad that the barriers have gotten less thick. ^_^

So today I was called in to take an eight-hour shift. Fair enough. Except I'm told to work on the bookfloor. Not cafe. o.o;;

So I didn't have to go in my collared black shirt, black pants, comfy shoes and apron. I got dressed a little nicer, with cuter but not-as-comfy shoes.

And stand at the front register for 7 hours in total. @_@

Don't get me wrong, I rather enjoyed not being in a huge rush to get cookies, lattes and frappaccinos done and have the dishes finished before midnight, but I also felt strangely out of place.

It was a nice experience, though, and I might be able to take shifts not only in cafe, but maybe on bookfloor too!!

On Thursday at school, I applied for the Disney College Program. It was inevitable, honestly.

An internship at Disneyland. How can I not resist?!

The guy holding the orientation was rather taken aback (maybe freaked out) at my Disney knowledge, and got a good laugh when I started to sing along to Amy Adams' "That's How You Know" from Enchanted, or spazzing out when I saw Sora in the video reel showing off the enormous company.

I have to do an online interview before Monday, since I have a phone interview that morning. I'll know then if I can be taken in.

If I do, though, I have to quit Barnes & Nobles. While I'll still be taking classes, I won't have time to hold a second job. It'd just kill me. It would make me sad since I love the place and the people, but honestly, with me... Disneyland > Barnes & Nobles. XD

Blahrghh

2008-05-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling too many things cramming up.

Rawr.

No offense to those cosplaying with me at AX, but after this year, I'm NOT taking on costumes. It's too much work and I wanna work on some of my things.

And people need to calm down. The world doesn't revolve around one's own agenda.

Blah.

I want this semester to be over now. But I still have until June. Wahhhhhhhhh~

Forgive the whinyness of this blog. I feel I kinda deserve it though =/

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

I still love my mommy very much, whether she's here or not :)

And a happy mother's day to all my friends' wonderful mothers, who are always very nice to me!

Another Birthday ^_^

2008-05-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

A nice simple day. And an amazing tunout of gifts XD

Seriously, thank you, I'm seriously already treasuring everything everyone's gotten me so far!!

From Miguel: The Tsubasa Chronicle box set (though it has only five episodes of the series, it's still something I wanted for quite a while!!), along with the first volume of Tokyo Babylon. Classic CLAMP manga, with current CLAMP anime... <33 Awesome combination!! Thank you soooo much!

From Alison: The Indiana Jones Handbook. lol XD She obviously got it for me to hype up the release of the new movie, which I'm anticipating more and more. It's an awesome book, with tips ranging on what clothing to wear on an expedition, to removing poison, to riding a minecart safely, and even how to avoid the wrath of God. This'll keep me happy for a while...lol. Thanks!

From Monique: Next week I will recieve a wonderfully-working PSP she obtained from a student in band. 'Nuff said, I'm too excited about this to express it XD

From Christopher: An Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull t-shirt (can you sense the theme this year? lol), a sketchbook and colored pencils. I've already drawn something on the first page: just a colorful message of "I Love Christopher". ^_^ Thanks, love!

And for all the birthday wishes... Thank you all SO MUCH!! <3

Kim, sorry I didn't respond to your AIM earlier, but thank you for the Birthday greetings you left virtually everywhere XD

Just when I'm thinking of quitting...

2008-05-05T22:43:00.001-07:00

Yep. I was thinking of quitting my job since my hours are so low.

Then I realized how much I love my discount XD

On my way to the break room for my last break, I passed a table labled "Publisher's Remainders--On Clearance". I glanced down, not really paying attention, but a word caught my attention:

CLAMP.

I backtracked and saw an "omnibus edition" (meaning three volumes in one book) copy of Magic Knight Rayearth. For $4.99.

I ran into the break room, got my bag, ran back, snapped up the book, and went to buy it. With my employee disctount, it came out to $3.77.

I am so very happy. Especially to buy $30 worth of manga for a tenth of that price XD

"Yeah, pop culture!!"

2008-05-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

So last night, I went with Christopher, Victor, Eric and Monique to the midnight showing of "Iron Man".

Last time I'd gone to see a movie released right at midnight was "Star Wars Episode II". I remember have such a blast; being stared at by passerbys who kept muttering at us to get a life, while surrounded by fellow geeks.

These three guys, however, love classic comic book heroes, and while I've enjoyed the recent movies based on Marvel and DC comic characters, I wish I knew the stories they tell of them in their respected comics.

So we waited with other fellow geeks who were wearing their "Iron Man" shirts (and one guy who actually dressed up as Iron Man, yay for cosplaying!), while feeling slightly left out as they discussed which hero would win against who and why and how special their powers were.

A few minutes before the show, some representatives of a local comic book store gave the audience a pop quiz on Iron Man to give out posters and T-shirts. They also gave us information about "Free Comic Book Day": there is an actual national day reserved to celebrate the American pop culture of comics books, and it is celebrated in various comic book stores and conventions across the country.

It was here that some random guy in the audience stood up and cheered out "Yeah! Pop culture, woo!!".

The movie started soon after, and it was quite kick ass, let alone hilarious. I didn't know much about Iron Man, and he reminds me a lot of Bruce Wayne (orphaned billionaire who uses his money and intelligence to fight crime, not actually having any abnormal powers from the beginning). I think heroes who appear heartless but ultimately show their want to keep world peace, while being a smart-ass jerk, are the best.

We got back at about 3am. Oy...

But I saw the new Indiana Jones trailer, and I'm getting more and more excited...two more weeks until Indy whips out again =D

New Avatar Episodes

2008-04-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

Yayyyy~!!!

Episodes 14 and 15 are up now ^_^

And they were AWESOME!

Internet Down-time

2008-04-30T00:27:00.000-07:00

So on my way home from the bus stop, I see some men working on some powerlines just down my street. I didn't think anything of it. Until I got home.

I sit down to use my computer, and it says that my internet connection is off. Immediately I got pissed and thought the phone company screwed up again, but I noticed my AIM kept signing me on and off, since it tries to automatically restart is a connection is lost.

So I was very bored this afternoon and entertained myself by taking a nap. Hurrah.

I only work one night next week. But I got a few more hours for the week after. Hopefully my shift with my manager showed I'm quite capable of working a bit more, and bit faster, under a bit more pressure, and not be an official 'noob'??

Disney Dubs

2008-04-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

My boredom today was subsided when I looked up random Disney tunes on YouTube...only translated into different languages. Mostly Japanese and Spanish.

I adore the translations, because it's not easy; while Spanish actually has a wonderful tendancy to translate almost word per word from differe languages (I've seen Spanish translations of Japanese songs that almost match word per word. They have different syllable and sound usage, of course, but I'm amazed at how near-perfectly translations are in Spanish), the Japanese language usually has to come up with completely different lyrics to get the point of the song across while syncing with the melody.

Here are some random ones:

Japanese "Hakuna Matata"

Latin American Spanish "Reflection"

Japanese "A Whole New World" (I SWEAR Aladdin sounds like Syaoran's Japanese voice actor Miyu Irino XDD But he was way to young to have dubbed this. It's still cute to think of Syaoran singing this to Sakura though ^_^)

Latin American Spanish "I just Can't Wait to be King". Simba is too cutee!! <3

Japanese "A Friend Like Me". The Genie sounds amazing XD

Latin American Spanish "I Won't Say I'm in Love"

Probably my favorite: Latin American Spanish "How Do You Know" from "Enchanted" (Known as "Encantada" in Latin American countries ^_^) I adore Giselle's voice in Spanish, it sounds just as sweet as Amy Adams, although dubbing live-action moves is hard, since the lip-matching doesn't always match =(

New Manager and...Nightmares. No, really...

2008-04-24T00:41:00.001-07:00

I might've mentioned it, but our cafe store manager was moved out to the Rancho Cucamonga store. I was sad and rather anxious because I hadn't even met the new manager after she came three weeks ago.

I closed with her tonight. Her name is Lorelai, and she is really really nice. I'm glad I'll be able to get along with her.

But I was bummed, too: I recently posted a request at work to work more hours, because as of now I'm only working once a day. Not good at all.

Instead, I got LESS hours, as if that was possible. -_-

I'm so stressed and terrified now... I really cannot live off of $30 a paycheck per week. Gahhh...

I have jury duty on Monday. I have NO idea how I'm gonna get there...

My birthday is two weeks away. Hurrah! ::requests for manga and anime ^_____^=::

Oh man... for the first time in a while last night, I actually had a vivid dream, and now I hope I don't dream vivdly for while.

I haven't spoken to Christopher since Monday night, since he's back in El Centro with his dad. This dream didn't help in the least bit.

Christopher and I were with an old band geek friend, when we got shot at randomly. I just remembered seeing Christopher getting the worst of it, and very very vaguely hearing and seeing Kate somewhere around there.

I woke up in tears, and all day I was anxious as I realized I hadn't heard a word from in a while. I know it sounds absurd to get so worked up over a dream, but I've had much more pleasant dreams that this one just haunted me throughout the day.

When I got out of work, though, I saw that I had a text from Victor asking where I was, and a missed call from Christopher. Somehow that made me feel a whole lot better.

What's funny is that Christopher tells me he has dreams of me getting killed a lot [usually in really weird ways...apperantly he's seen me shot, run over, burned, shanked, and eated by vampires o.O]. Yet he, not unlike Miguel too, have a tendancy to have really strange and surreal dreams so often that they don't really end up emotionally scared.

I have stupid dreams that ultimately I can't remember, very rarely ever having ones so vivid; the last one that caused me to wake up in tears was one where my mom had passed away, and this was about two years before she passed away last year.

And to clear it off... I honestly have no idea why Kate was in that dream. Although Karlie has updated me on the status of her [which I ended up wishing I didn't know], I haven't seen nor thought of her in a very long time. So, that was actually rather bizzare for me, especially considering her state [for those who know, but I digress...]

Anyway, off my random rant on dreams... I really want to talk to him, though. I know he's perfectly fine and he'll tease me for getting so worked up, but I also miss him ^___^

Off to bed. Please... instead of "sweet dreams", I'll prefer "no dreams" tonight.

Wow...

2008-04-22T20:05:00.003-07:00

They need to finished the Avatar series. And soon.

Other than that, I'm bored off my mind >.<

Avatar: Book Two

2008-04-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

This series is so AWESOME. I've finished Book Two [second season], and now I wanna finish what's out of season three. I hope they complete it soon, I HATE cliffhangers T_T

Sokka's whining is kinda getting to me.

And I want a pet flying bison. ^_______^

Thanks for the links, Jenn! You saved my life!!

Because I'm still bored XD

2008-04-19T21:34:00.001-07:00

Miguel: as a reward for actually going to prom, I dedicate this finding to you.

I will never forget our dangerous curiousity with "Lucky Star", wondering what the hell that anime was about, then looking up the intro only to come out saying: "....okay wtf?!". It was truly a hilarious [and bizzare] moment, and I wish I could've seen this with you because it's far mroe bizzare.

And quite possibly the most hilarious thing ever. XD

Enjoy "Lucky Star: Kingdom Hearts" edition!

I'm Bored

2008-04-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

...I think that's rather self-explanitory XD

I've been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender a LOT...but I can't find too many Season 2 episodes. I finished watching the first season yesterday, and I adore this series and all the Asian folkloric undertones to it.

My dad said he'll take me to see an eye doctor soon and a new pair of glasses. I think he just wants me to get them so I can drive, since I'm too frightened to drive without being able to see too well o.O

...I'm still bored. And hungry, too...

"Me" time?

2008-04-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

I need another random day by myself. Too bad I'm stuck here since I dont have a car, let alone a liscense T_T

Planning on working on some cosplays tomorrow. Then book our hotel.

I saw "Camino Real" at my school tonight. It was the first time I have ever sat through a play all the way to the end, and come out wondering what the hell was going on. According to my acting professor, this is supposed to be Tennessee William's "epic masterpiece", or "dream piece"... apperantly every writer has their dream, epic piece of writing they hope to, one day, actually write out.

He also said that there's a flaw in writing out your dream piece: it's something only you may be able to understand, and no one else will ever get.

Quite true in this case. What the hell did I sit through?!

I didn't hate it. I just... like knowing what's going on.

"Would you say... I was a hero?"

2008-04-15T22:37:00.001-07:00

Crisis Core's ending just depressed me. Wow.

Unecessarily depressing, and just wonderful.

Now I shall go work on that cosplay more... XD

Roughly ten weeks 'till AX. O.O

I want to kick California's weather in the face...

2008-04-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, it's humid and hot and I have to walk to the bus stop and back, and I come home dehydrated and exhuasted.

I wake up today and see rain clouds, and it's COLD. Stupid bipolar weather...

I wanna go home, but I have to stick around to work on a scene. Blah...

Commencing Operation Find-a-damn-cheap-hotel-for-AX. While hotel hunting last night, I suddenly wondered why I became the main planner for this convention trip, and asked Kim about it. She said because I am loved the most. XDDD

Christopher said he didn't know why, either, just that it wasn't Miguel because he is still a minor, therefore wouldn't be able to have access nor permission to do a lot of things. He said it wasn't him because he doesn't have a credit card, and though he's really looking forward to the trip, if we were to NOT go, he wouldn't be as devestated as the rest of us.

So it leaves me, Kim, Emily and Alison.

I'm not complaining, even though it's a pain in the butt, but ultimately it's all worth it. Kim says it's karma. My response: "I better have a hell of a reward in the afterlife".

Okay I'm cold, and sleepy. Gonna go buy a latte to wake up and wait for my scene partner to get here.

Rebuild: Neon Genesis Evangelion

2008-04-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm quite in the anime mood, since we're hoping to complete our Anime Expo plans by the end of this week...

Anyways, I had completely forgotten about the remake films of Evangelion; four films to completely remake the series and give it an alternate ending, which can actually mean a good thing: the ending of the TV series wasn't well composed due to the animation company going bankrupt, and I always felt that the movie ending wasn't exactly what they wanted, albeit it was pretty nifty.

I remember seeing something like this on Suk's blog several months ago, and remembered my excited reaction at the singer who sings the theme, "Beautiful World". Ten points if you recognize her right off the bat ^_^

"Godspell"

2008-04-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

I can see how this play touched Ms. Garris so much, it was simply wonderful! I was able to barge in on the photoshoot and take pictures. I took a ton, so I only posted a few up here.

And Miguel = AMAZING SINGER AND DANCER =O

Panicpanicpanicpanic =(

2008-04-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Auditions for Suburbia are next Wedensday.

I, being the idiot I am, forgot to request the day off, and have to work Wedensday. Dammit!

I'm trying to find someone to switch with me, but right now my only option is to switch with an opening shift.

I've never opened before >.< !!!

I'd make it on time to class, too, so that wouldn't be a problem. I'll work it out tomorrow.

And speaking of work, I think my manager is moving, and I'm sad. I liked Dawn a lot, she actually wanted to know her employees. I haven't formally met the new manager, but she's gonna be around more now. Meep.

Christopher leaves tonight. Rawrrr...

Major Pain...

2008-04-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

So this last weekend, my glasses disappeared on me. I remember putting them on the table at the foot of my bed before going to sleep. I woke up and I couldn't find them. I've practically torn my room apart [with the help of friends] to find them, but I can't. Rawr!!

I have an older pair of glasses, and though I shouldn't be wearing them, my headaches without my glasses are far worse. So I'm screwing up my eyesight even more. *sigh*

After months of persuasion, Alison finally got me to go to the gym with her last night [though it was Monique who came up with the idea].

My legs are killing me. Although the workout left me feeling so much better than I have felt in quite a while. Yayy...

Everyone at home is abandoning me for next week: Christopher and Victor will be going back to El Centro with their dad tomorrow, and Monique leaves for Hawaii on Friday with the Mt. Sac band.

*sniff sniff* I'm gonna be all alone...

MoHi's spring musical this week: "Godspell". It opens tonight, I can't wait to go watch ^_^

Break a leg Miguel!

April the Seventh...

2008-04-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

So today marks two things.

It's my niece's second birthday, and I haven't seen Aurora since Christmas. I miss her a lot, and as I think of it, I realized I haven't talked to my brother much in a while. Somehow, I get the feeling they've cut me out, which makes me rather... sad.

And it's a major milestone for me: one year exactly without my mom.

It's... I dunno. I just can't believe it's a year already.

I still wake up expecting her to rush me through the morning to get to school on time, or expecting her to have a plate of food ready for me when I come home, or sit in the living room scrapping up a new blouse for me, or have her call me asking when I'll be home.

One year. I miss her a lot.

But I still love her a lot. Always will.

Last Week in a Nutshell

2008-04-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, March 25- Miguel, Christopher and I go to GameStop to pick up Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core. Then my car breaks down, and it can't be jump started by the nice guys at GameStop who tried to help us XD

So I end up having to tow it. Dammit...

I help Christopher pack for his trip to El Centro for a month [T_T], then he watched the OVA [finally!]. He plays a bit of Halo, and I start Crisis Core.He left a while later. He should be back tonight though, woo!!

Thursday, March 27- The friend I had mentioned a couple of days ago, who's mother had passed away; I went to the funeral with Daisy, Monique, and a couple other old friends from middle school. It was emotional, to say the least, and not to mention the bouts of deja vu I was having. But I felt slightly peaceful as my friend's older sister told me she was sure her mother and mine were now meeting in heaven, chatting about their two crazy daughters. I was also able to say a prayer for my mom, since I haven't gone to church since last year.

So, while it pained me to see a friend and her family so sad and pained, I felt strangely content.

I went to Joanne's later that day with Monique and Alison, where I bought ribbons and lace to work on a last minute cosplay project. The creative bug has hit me, and I'm wanting to work more and more on my projects, so I whipped up Aeris's Crisis Core outfit. It really wasn't much work, since I just altered clothes I already had.

Friday, March 28- Kim had asked if we could go to the beach sometime during the week. So we went on Friday. I told Alison which way to go on the freeway, but we hit massive traffic when we nearly arrived at Newport Beach.

We also nearly failed at finding some parking, but succeeded... we parked two blocks away from the beach. Dammit...

I changed into my costume and went onto the rocks the jut out into the water. Monique and Alison had a blast posing me and taking numerous pictures, but wearing platform shoes on sharp sea rocks is NOT very fun. I walked barefooted for the most part, but the shots where they wanted me to take some pictures with the shoes on... scariest moment of my life XD

We then dove into the water... which turned out to be pretty damn cold. Nevertheless, we tried to go in further and further.

Afterwards, we ate sandy sandwhiches, then packed up and headed home. We ate tubs upon tubs of ice cream while we watched "Enchanted" at Alison's, then headed home. I was very exhausted.

Saturday, March 29-We went to Joanne's. Again. Then we went home to watch Kim's bootleg of "Juno".

The main event was Friday, but nevertheless it was quite an eventful week XD

2008-03-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a happy Easter ^_^

Saturday was just too wonderful of a day: the Tsubasa Tokyo Revelations OVA, and the third instalment was simply too amazing. Trekking out to Mt. Sac to rent anime, wandering around and talking about buying a Wii, and just sitting around and watching x/1999. All with Alison, Kim and Miguel. I couldn't have asked for more, really.

Easter was nice. I went with Christopher and Victor to their mom's, where their older brother and sister and their respected girlfriend/boyfriend were waiting for us, and we had a nice Easter dinner.

I'm at school right now, and despite having a wonderful weekend, I'm rather miserable at the moment. Well, not so much now, since Monique and I spent about an hour in the car talking about certain things, that I feel incredibly relieved. She appeared to be releaved, too. I don't feel like going into details, really, so I simply ask to not be asked unless I bring it up.

Christopher leaved tomorrow. When, I don't know. I was hoping to spend even just a small amount of time with him before but he went out with some of his friends from work after dinner last night, not comming home until really late. I get out of class early tomorrow, but I've promised Miguel to take him to pick up Crisis Core [I can't wait!! Im gonna watch you start the game, Miguel!!!]. So yeah. And no, Alison, I'm not wearing my Aeris cosplay when Christopher leaves. So don't even bring it up >.>

So much to do, so much to say, so little time. Blehhh...

And my dad fixed my car, which had broken down last week. So the beach trip is a definite possibility.

Jenn: let me know when you're available, I haven't forgotten that I still owe you!!=)

I saw myself in front of me...

2008-03-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

I find it odd that I mentioned it in my last blog, considering what happened yesterday...

After another mini-adventure with Alison involving her car breaking down in the very packed shopping center across the street from Mt SAC, I went to her house where we cried over new manga chapter scans and where she forced me to draw more for her. I went home around 9pm, and sat down to watch "Enchanted" with Monique and Victor.

Then we get a message from a friend.

A year ago, it was me in this position: the younger daughter losing her mother.

Now it was another friend's turn; an old friend of mine who's mother passed away yesterday from pnemonia.

Monique and I, along with Victor and a handful of other old friends, including Cam, rushed to her last night. Although I could tell that Monique and Victor looked uncomfortable with the laughter and smiling, I encouraged it.

I envied her on the part that her family was still very close in such a crisis, instead of trying to be the "hero": too many of my aunts kept promising me that they would never, ever abandon me, nor hurt me, and that they'd do ANYTHING to protect me. Heh.

A year ago, I could only laugh and smile with my brother. My dad has barely been able to do that, but with my brother... we knew my mom didn't want us sobbing and crying, which is what my aunts kept doing and still do.

And I loved seeing my friend: she was so tired but so relieved... so sad but at the same time, happy, since she's probably realized already that even if her mother is gone, there is no way in hell she'll ever forget her. Seeing her flip through piles upon piles of photographs, finding some when we were young, her boyfriend doing anything to keep that smile...

So many people think it's taboo to smile when a death has occurred. I think otherwise. By any means, it's not a good thing to hold in tears or to not express sadness at the loss of someone, but I know that a true smile is definately welcome at such a time.

I don't have to keep it a secret over who this friend is. I'd just rather not post it all over the place, since it's not my duty to announce this. I'm so sad for her and her family, but after seeing her last night, she's much stronger than I was a year ago.

Blah blah...

2008-03-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm at school again. I want my internet back T_T

Christopher is leaving for about a month next week, to go down to El Centro with his dad. Oy, I'm gonna miss him.

I decided to audition for "Suburbia", and auditions are next month. It's a really...obscene play, and I have yet to read it, but I definately want to try something different and get out of being typcasted as a cute smiley character >.>

I'm not feeling well... I'm so anxious and nervous and again I don't know why. I think it's my dad... he's driving me up the wall, and the way he phrases everything and gets so worked up over things... it's not healthy for either one of us: his blood pressure is high enough as it is, and I don't need to carry his burdens and stress on my pile already.

-o-o-o-

...I'm kinda shocked, really, that it's almost been a year. Just two more weeks, and I've lived for a year without my mom. It still feels like last night I was sitting in the hallway outside her hospital room, wanting to punch one of my aunts in the nose as they bickered over where my mom would be better off at and who ultimately cared for her the most.

I can remember bursting into tears while I told some of my friends what was happening, while I couldn't bring myself to tell others at the same time.

I can remember every emotion and almost every minute of those three weeks as if they were still happening, and I really don't mind not forgetting. I'm happier not forgetting, because it was a time where I saw the true colors of people, and the extent of people's kindess, and their cruelty.And I know that the emotions I felt at the time really meant that I loved my mom, and that I would miss her. I do.

Sorry for the emo rant, but it's been sitting in my head for a while. Blehh...

OVA on Saturday with Kim and everyone, but after reading a spoiler, it actually made me more depressed than I though I would be, considering I know what happens anyways XD

At Alison's II

2008-03-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

I think I'm an internet murderer... the internet went out temporarily at Alison's while I was using it XD

Anyways, Alison just showed me this and I thought it was utterly brilliant. Miguel, you'll get such a kick out of this, oh my...

At Alison's

2008-03-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm "typing" out an essay on my own self evaluation in my skills of acting.

By "typing", I'm surfin DeviantArt, watching Stewart and Colbert clips, eating chocolate, and sketching out a KuroFay fanart for Alison.

Yes. "Typing". >.>

I have to sing again tomorrow T_T

I know I always say I suck at singing, but I totally sucked on Monday, holy crap. I can't even emphasize how horrible I was: I forgot the words, my throat was dry and my voice cracked, and I was off key for the whole thing. -_-

Why am I taking this class again?

Please pray I can get through a song alive this time.

Internet-Deprived

2008-03-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

So I find the phone bill...after my internet gets cut off. Son of a --...

Considering my text-book shopping spree has left me rather broke, I won't have enough to pay the bill until the end of this week, so until then, I will be dependant on my school's internet to keep up with everything. Blahh!

2008-03-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

First off: Jenn, I saw that your screen name was on my AIM sign in, so I guessed that you dropped by to pick up the money for the manga. I'm so sorry! You probably think I'm trying to avoid you and such, and I'm really not, and I'm so so sorry! Let me know if you'll be here anytime this week or this comming weekend, I'll definately make sure I get the money to you. I'm so sorry T_T

I should've left it somewhere here so you or Alison could've pick it up, bleh. Sorry.

My stuff almost got stolen at work today. How scary...

While wiping down the counters, my coworker and I were saying that we were having a relatively good day and that we would have a good closing, then our manager paged us over the speaker phone. Jess, my coworker, picked it up, and then asked me if I had anything in the lockers in the break room. I said yeah, my bag, and in it, my wallet, phone, iPod, keys...

She asked if they were locked up, and I said no, I never received a lock for my locker. So she told me I'd better head over there quickly.

I got super anxious and worried as I followed my manager to the break room.

My bag was still in it's place, and everything inside. Phew.

Apperantly, someone has been breaking into the lockers, mostly the unlocked ones, and have been rummaging through people's bags, taking it's contents, or cash, or turning them upside down, inside out and spilling everything out. It's more than likely a coworker, since you need a code to get into the backroom.

Oy, not fun.

But I got my lock, so my things will be safe. And I hugged my iPod on my break XD

Jess said she felt kinda bad for commenting that it'd be a good night, and then telling me my stuff might be stolen. I laughed, and remembered the time I had told Alison in Mr. Whyte's class one day how I was in such a good mood, but I felt something was going to kill it. She'd replied with a "Oh don't worry, nothing is going to happen!"

Then I got a happy hour in Dr. O's the following period. XD

Singing class in the morning. I didn't sing last week, so I will this time. Nuuu T_T

Little kids can be too cute.

2008-03-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

Beau walked into my room this morning, and I stirred since he woke me up. He was kinda surprised to see me, and he said "Whatcha doin?"

I smiled and said "I'm sleeping, Beau-Beau."

Then he nodded and said "Okay!" then he put his finger to his lips and turned to Monique "Shh! She's sleeping!" and he walked as quietly as he could out of the room.

XD

Now I miss my niece, I haven't seen her in quite a while. I hope she remembers me still o.o

Just to let everyone know...

2008-03-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

Edit:My phone is back up and running ^_^

Me service on my cell phone is cut off.

So if you've been texting me, calling me, leaving me voice messages, etc., then that's why I haven't responded. I'm not trying to ignore everyone, so I'm sorry if you've left me an important message, called to hang out, or asked me to marry them. Just kidding. XD

Yes, I'm sneaking on at school again. This 3-hour break between music fundamentals and Japanese II is so long T_T

Shopping Spree Result

2008-03-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

Nothing too grand, but I got some good shirts from Hot Topic, and four more Tsubasa Chronicle volumes XDD

I have volumes 1-10, 13-16 [they didn't have volumes 11 and 12 so I just skipped over them for now XD]

At least I didn't splurge as much as Eric: he came out of the mall with an XBox 360 >.>

Blogging from Mt. SAC

2008-03-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Bwahahaha, I'm so bad for sneaking onto Blogger from school.

...no, not really. Just borrowing a library from school, seeing as I have 40 minutes until Japanese...

Eric's taking me on a shopping spree today! Since he's missed out on a couple of my brithday's, a few Christmases, and still wants to show me that he's sorry he missed my mother's funeral, he's letting me loose at the mall today.

o.o

What to buy, what to buy...

Will update later with the results ^_^

Another Normal Day...

2008-03-02T10:53:00.001-08:00

I went to see "The Other Boleyn Girl" with Miguel, Kim and Alison, and loved it. I truly adore Natalie Portman as an actress, she's just amazing.

We went to the mall, ate, and drove around, talking about things we promised not to mention outside the car, about things that probably caused people to turn and stare at us. We didn't notice, we don't care.

Came home, and discussed more cosplay, watched more anime, and had a random documentary idea pop up involving Alison being "woman on the run", and me as her arch-enemy "cryptic Nataly".

So yes, just another normal, simple, fun day. XD

Three weeks until I see Kim again, and three weeks until I see this. Wahh...we're gonna be deprived of Tsubasa anime for a LOOONG time after this =(

Oh well, it still looks lovely.

Self Indulgance

2008-02-29T21:09:00.000-08:00

It's not a bad thing, right?

As long as you don't make a habit out of it, I think it's all right to just go on your impulse for a moment, because taking risks is actually something rare.

I'm not asking, actually.

I went out and did something completely random, crazy, stupid, and adventurous. And I loved it, and don't regret it in the least bit.

So too late. Don't lecture me about being cautious.

^_^

Movies tomorrow with my friends: The Other Boleyn Girl.

Blahhhhhhh::collapses::

2008-02-29T00:43:00.000-08:00

So I was able to sell my Italian books for a whopping $20. God dammit, I was quite pissed.

I'm an beyond exhuasted...I was a half hour late to work due to major street and freeway traffic and my classed getting out 15 minutes before I was supposed to clock in.

I had an eight hour shift, so I closed. I've been up since 7am >.<

I brought Victor home a cupcake from work since I really couldn't get anything else for his birthday, but I ended up having to crawl in through the window because everyone left to spend the night at Christopher and Victor's mom's house. I'm....kinda sad I couldn't go, but mostly sad because I was looking forward to a hug from Christopher =[

The new Tsubasa Chronicle chapter is out, though, so that cheered me up a ton. Although it made me sad because I can tell IT'S ALMOST FINISHED T_T

Okay I need sleep o.O

I'm officially an idiot.

2008-02-27T17:08:00.001-08:00

I'm taking a singing class.

O.O

Why, why'd I do it?!

I guess I needed that one last unit XD

It was nerveracking just walking into the class; I almost hoped there was no more room in it. I went and asked the professor, and she responded with an "Oh yes, come here and I'll give you the add slip right now!". Internally, I was kicking myself.

And she made me sing "Sweet Land of Liberty" in front of everyone. Apperantly, everyone had to do this on Monday. Dear God I wanted to die.

So here's my schedule for this semester:

*Mon/Wed: Singing I and Acting Principles II

*Tues/Thurs: Music Fundamentals, Japanese II, Guitar I

These music books are KILLING ME!! The music fundamentals book cost $103 at the Mt. SAC bookstore. I found it at a bookstore across the street for $83, and a used copy for $55. The sad thing was that I still couldn't afford it, and I won't be able to until tomorrow or Friday.

The guitar book is actually written by the professor teacher the class, but holy crap, I never though I had to pay $38 for a beginner's guitar book o.O

For singing, the music book also cost $103, but I found it at the same bookstore across the street and was able to snatch that one, a used copy, for $48.

Thank god I have the same book for Japanese ^_^;;

And I'm selling my Italian book and dictionary, I need $$ dammit.

I felt rather...special when I went to add the Acting Principles class: the advance class is being taught by Mr. Eastman [who I ran into yesterday], who was my acting professor last semester. I walked in to class 10 minutes late, so I waited until after to ask for an add slip.

When I asked if there was still space in the class for me, he said "For you, kiddo, there's always room."

He's well-known with the more...advanced drama students, the ones I've seen in the plays I've gone to see at Mt. SAC, and I got nervous when I saw some of them are in the class o.o

Well, I'm rather braindead at the moment so I think I'll go.

...looking at my schedule, I just realized I'm taking a shitload of music classes o.o

Decisions, Decisions...

2008-02-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

So, I got added into a music fundamentals class. It was really narrow, I only got added because I said my major was music. The professor asked if I played an instrument, and I said I played the flute. He thought I was in the band at Mt. Sac, but I told him I wasn't. The conversation that followed gave me that feeling that because he added me to the class, I have to join the band.

Later on, I ran into my acting teacher from last semester. I told him I had wanted to audition for the play he's gonna direct, Suburbia, but that someone else wanted me to join band. He only told me that he hoped I was able to audition, and that if I needed a copy of the script to read, to just let him know.

Now I'm so torn!!! T_T

On the other hand, my Japanese II teacher is so awesome! She's from Osaka, and is just so fun and funny and great. She also had a Cardcaptor Sakura poster in her room!! XDDD I "awww!!"'d so loudly when I saw it, lmao. She also has a Tomoyo laugh: she seriously laughs all "Ohohohohoho!", lol. I don't know if she's just a huge Clamp fan too, or that really is her laugh...

The thing is, the add slip she gave me isnt going through. It tells me that the class is full [which makes no sense since I have an add slip o.O], and that I need to take a Japanese I course. Um...I already did >.>

I'll have to talk to her about it on Thursday.

I laughed...I was so tempted to have her call me "Nata-chan": while taking roll, she told us to tell her if we had nicknames and to tell her so she'll know. I decided against it XD

Oscar's Outcome

2008-02-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

So, Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz had THREE songs nominated, all THREE of them from "Enchanted", and one of them even performed by Kristin Chenowheth, and still, NONE of them one. What the hell?!

...Okay. So I'm a little biased in favor for Alan Menken who wrote music for "Beauty and the Beast", "Aladdin", "The Little Mermaid" [need I go on?] and Stephen Schwartz who wrote the music for "Pocahontas", "The Prince of Egpyt", "Godspell", and, need I even mention it, "Wicked".

Oh well.

I'll admit Jon Stewart did a great job. I still don't understand the craze over his apperant "hotness", but he did a good job.

I was mad, though, that our TiVo didn't record the entire thing: it stopped in the middle of the nominees for best actor XD

Rare "nice" customers

2008-02-24T00:29:00.000-08:00

While I'm wiping down the counter at the condiment bar, this little old asian man walked up to it. I thought he was waiting for me to finish whiping the thing down so he could get his cream, sugar, etc., so I moved over to the other end to finish.

He just kept standing there, looking at me. I looked up and smiled, then headed back behind the counter.

"You look very happy."

I looked around and realized he was talking to me. I smiled again kinda confused.

"Oh, do I?"

"Yes. Are you always this happy?"

"Um, I'd like to think I am."

He just smiled and walked away.

There are actually some people who come to the cafe who dont take out all their lives' pains on us, although its rare, it usually tends to make my day when we get these few friendly customers.

The other day, two elderly women who work at Sears [their nametags gave them away] kept asking questions about certain foods and soups and drinks. I thought I sounded slightly agitated because I had a million other things to do, but when I rang them up and told them their food would be ready soon, they smiled and simply said "Thank you so very much!". Of course I get thank yous and such, but I didn't know how much they meant it until I was wiping down the tables in the dining room about 20 minutes later. The two women still sat there, drinking their coffees, and their empty dishes sat there. I walked over and offered to get them out of their way. They replied with "Oh thank you so much!", and as I walked away I heard something along the lines of "She's so cute! I wish there were more people like her in the world."

I'm not one to usually accept compliments, they flatter me way too much, but when you're in the middle of work, having people heckle you because they're not getting their hourly dose of caffiene the minute they arrive, it actually means quite a lot.

Last weekend, when I worked my bizzare shift of eight hours seving every person I knew who lived within the city limits, four elderly, Hispanic women showed up ordering cups of coffees and scones and cookies and brownies. They seemed really surprised and pleased to find out I spoke Spanish, though the order was taken in a mixture of English and Spanish.

Again, they gave me the "Thank you very much" and a big smile when I rung them up, but one lady added "God bless you, keep up your wonderful work."

She said it in Spanish, and it gave me chills because her wording reminded me of the way my mom would say such things.

That same day, a new regular customer came in to try something new. She's a young Middle Eastern woman with a heavy accentand her scarf, and I believe she may have recently immigrated here. She asked me if I was from Middle Eastern decent, saying that it looked like I was, and that I had a very beautiful face. I probably turned bright red, and I said thank you, but that I was actually Hispanic. She walked away saying I still looked very pretty. I wanted to dunk my head in the ice bin, I'm sure I was blushing too much.

A couple minutes later, I did my routin run of the dining room, wiping down tables and picking up empty plates. The Hispanic women and the Middle Eastern woman didn't sit too far apart, and I went over to offer to get their dishes out of their way.

The Hispanic women gaves me even more chills by responding with "Oh thank you, dear! Thank you so much! God bless you, hermosa." The Middle Eastern woman waved and asked if I could please take her dish too; I hurried over with an armful of porcelain plates and asked her to place it on top. She said "Thank you" in her heavy accent.

I walked away, and I overheard the Hispanic women: "What a lovely young girl!"

The Hispanic women, as well as the Middle Eastern woman, just completely made my day. Especially the Hispanic women. They spoke in spanish, their "Que dios te bendiga"'s and "Que muchacha tan chula"'s just gave me massive goosebumps; it reminded me way too much of my mom, the wording and the accents and manner of speech. It almost brought me to tears, though not in a sad way: I missed hearing such speech. I still do.

Of course I get the jerk or the bitch who think they're savin calories by ordering a small light frappaccino, then request massive amounts of whip cream on it, but every once in a while, I get a very friendly, appreciating customer, who know that by having them simply smile and give a meaningful "thank you" can make the worker's day.

Mood Swing Much?

2008-02-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

So, ever since Wedensday night I've been kinda...bitchy, I guess. I'm probably stressed but, still, I'm just kinda pissed off right now for no real reason.

Well, sorta. But it's alright.

The fact that no one's bothered to comfort me, just giving me a pat on the shoulder with a "I hope you feel better", didn't help much at all >.>

NOT feeling well...

2008-02-21T11:51:00.002-08:00

Last night, I wasn't in that great of a mood when I went to bed; kinda angry and annoyed.

Now I feel like crap, and I just woke up. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I have a sore throat and a runny nose...

Blahh, I'm going back to bed.. >.<

ZOMG POCKY!!

2008-02-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

Monique just came home with some Pocky: I haven't had any in a LONG time <33

We're also watching Beau play video game [game he's playing right now: Oddworld]. He had a geat time watching me play Final Fantasy XII earlier, and watching Victor play Final Fantasy: Tactics Advanced, too.

I guess he's gonna get sucked into the series too ^_^

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

2008-02-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

Christopher and Victor keep calling me lame while I post this, but oh man I'm so excited!! I'm such a dork...I ADORE these movies, and I only wish I was able to see my mom's reaction to this trailer: she was a big Harrison Ford fan girl and would be squealing a lot over this right now XDDD

Anyways, I can't wait!!! And yes I'm a dork, I know, shut up, I don't care: last time I was this excited for a movie was when Star Wars Episode III came out.

...

That made me sound dorkier XDD

"Jumper"

2008-02-17T22:14:00.001-08:00

All I knew about this movie before I saw it was that it had Hayden Christensen in it. That was enough to get me to go see it. I'd forgotten how hot he was...XD

It was a good movie, but it just ended too abruptly for me, and it was anticlimatic, and it was under an hour and a half long, so that kinda sucked.

But still. Hayden Christensen. =D

Christopher is gonna kill me now ::runs::

Random Articles and a Bizzare Day

2008-02-16T21:39:00.001-08:00

For those lucky people with Wii's, or for those who wish they had one, here's something to look forward to, or something to cry over.

And I don't have the heart to tell Monique an 18th-century antique violin was smashed when it's owner fell down a flight of stairs and the case hit the concret. Yikes.

Today was quite bizzare and amusing.

I got to work still very much asleep, being given a ride by Alison, and arriving ten minutes early. On my way to the employee's room, I hear a familiar laugh: Miguel! He was with Ariana and Crystal, all of them sitting on the benches by the magazines. I sat with them for five minutes to kill time before I had to clock in. Those five minutes were too short.

Well into my first hour of work, Miguel, Ariana, Crystal and a friend from drama, Vanessa, all show up at the cafe ordering lots of food and drinks. It wasn't busy and they weren't being the usual bitchy customer, so I was happy serving them.

A random girl I vaguely recognized from high told me she recognized me as being that one girl who was in every play and in band. I still don't know who she was o.O

Not long after, Alison comes back with Jenn. They sat in the dining room for a good hour and a half, ordering food from us after a bit.

And not too much longer after that, I see ANOTHER former band booster, Mrs. Gage.

Things quieted down a bit, with the aforementioned people drifting in and out [Alison and Jenn accompanied me for my first break, and Miguel showed up for a short minute to flaunt the Kingdom Hearts poster he bought].

When I went to clock out for my lunch break, I see two Stephanies: my coworker Stephanie Arellanas who I see on a constant routine at work, and Stephanie Naturno, a blonde girl two years younger than me who used to be in band [she was in the pit section].

Things slow down, and towards the end of my shift, I'm practically a zombie dragging around my useless body. I go out to the dining room, and low and behold, Nick Tedesco is sitting there reading manga XD. I gave him a quick hug, then went back to work. I saw a customer go up to the register, so I went back to take their order.

That certain customer was an old family friend, Jackie, who I've known since she was a baby: she's two eyars younger than me, and her older brothers attended high school with my brother. My mom and her mom were incredibly close.

She told me her mom would be picking her up soon, and she'd been wanting to see me, but I didn't get a chance to before I left.

I go out to the dining room again, and see Christina sitting with her twin brother. At this point I was on my last hour of my shift, and was just trying to kill time. I hurridly discussed Tsubasa with them [Christina is caught up to volume 16. She was so sad], and just reminisced how bizzare it was that so many people I knew had shown up today.

I finally clock out, a complete zombie and completely braindead, and Alison comes to pick me up.

I really should go to sleep, I don't know how I'm even here at my desk typing, but my dad wants to go to dinner.

I don't feel good; I shouldn't have had that iced mocha with 3 espresso shots...I'm so sleepy but my heart is so jumpy >.< I now remember why I'm not a caffeine addict.

Keep me away from the anime store...

2008-02-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

At least I didn't buy the whole X/1999 series, then I'd REALLY be broke.

While at the mall to pick up my paycheck, I had to go to the anime store to buy something that caught my eye the day before: the Tsubasa Chronicle movie and the xxxHolic movie. They come in the same cover, seeing as the Tsubasa movie is only a half-hour long, and the Holic on is a full hour.

It felt wonderful to watch anime on a TV, not a little grainy computer screen XD

Although I still hate the English voice dub for Tsubasa, they just KILLED it. It wasn't bad for Holic, but for the first time, I thought the Mokona's were ANNOYING.

Christopher just bought me "Little Miss Sunshine". I adore this movie!

My dad can be pretty funny

2008-02-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

He called me about an hour ago, and the last part of our conversation went something like this...

Dad:"So, have you gotten anything for Valentine's Day?"
Me:"No."
Dad:"Really?"
Me:"Well, a little card from someone at work, but they made a card for everyone in the store."
Dad:"Chris didn't get you anything?"
Me:"No."
Dad:"Are you serious?"
Me"...yeah..."
Dad:"...what a cheapskate jerk!"
Me:"...lolz XD"

I seriously don't care if Christopher cut a tiny flower from the front yard, or didn't get me anything at all, but I don't know why that was kinda funny XD

I want Christopher to come home....so I can show him the cookie cake I bought him, and then eat it for him =P

And I don't know why but I've been seeing the former band boosters a lot lately...first Mrs. Montague yesterday, and I saw Vicki Bettancourt today [Karlie's mom].

So, that's it for today. I'm bored...XD

Someone talk to meeeeeee.....!!

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

To everyone I love and care for, which is probably everyone reading this ^_^

2008-02-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

Monique is sick. And, I think, slowly but surely, everyone else in the house is getting sick: there's a lump in my throat [no I'm not sad or scared or crying XD]. Blaahhhhh....

I had to walk to work today, again. Major suckage, but Christopher came with me. He saw me at work, too, only that he saw me trying to serve a soup, cupcake, strattas, and make about 3 frappaccinos at the same time around a REALLY cluttered workspace. Needless to say, I probably didn't look very happy.

I was sitting on my half-hour break reading a magazine when someone sits across from me at my table. I looked up and saw Mrs. Montague there. I'm sure I squealed.

It was so great to see her, I missed her so much. I did my best to catch her up on the last couple of months in ten minutes, and she even asked me how my Aeris cosplay turned out [I had told her about it, since I had asked for a bit of help and advice]. She was waiting for someone, her sister I think, and they were gonna go see "Wicked". I'm sure she loved it.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and Christopher has to work. -_- <-- at Christopher's job.

We realized the other day that we don't get to hang out on our own at all, let alone go on a date. Blahh, I wanted to do something, and I would but we couldn't even go out for dinner if we wanted to, seeing that we have no working or authorized vehicle [the truck is still broken down and their Impala's tags expired].

Ah well, we'll see ^_^

Finished "Ouran High School Host Club"

2008-02-12T16:52:00.000-08:00

That was adorable <3

...and that was a much more intense ending than I thought it would be XD

Now to find a new anime...

2008-02-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

Things I forgot to/ didn't mention yesterday:

-The picnic yesterday was random and fun. I don't like my pictures as much as the ones Kim took, but I'll post them eventually.

-My dad found my piccolo. I'm so happy its not M.I.A anymore; it's safe and sound on my shelf with my flute.

-We have a new puppy. Well, I'm not sure actually: I think we temporarily adopted Cam's puppy until she gets a hold of someone who was interested in adopting her. But I'm growing quite fond of the little thing: she's teething but it doesn't hurt, and she's something of a pug-bulldog mix, with a cute little wrinkled face and short little ears.

She actualy has no name yet...Cam first called her "Frou Frou", then her sister renamed her "Ling Ling". Monique started calling her "Cam Ling", but now they want to rename her. This won't be easy...

-Victor just drank the last of the Kool Aid, which was supposed to be mine >=o

I think that's it.

2008-02-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, I usually look forward to going to work.

Today I closed with the girl I mentioned a couple of blogs ago, Taylor. She's a really nice girl who goes to CSU Fullerton, graduated class of '06 from San Dimas High School [I told her I went there with pep band a couple of times for some football games], and loves geology and fossils.

She thinks I'm an interesting person, with my interests in music [she's amazed that I'm even attempting to learn piano and guitar], theater [she wants me to let her know whether I make it into a play, so she can go watch it], and about my boyfriend [she already knows we met my freshmen year and had a riff somewhere in between. No need to go into details].

I probably get along with her the best, though I'm not saying everybody else in the cafe isn't friendly. It was somewhat enjoyable closing with her tonight. Before clocking off, I looked at a "Japanese for Dummies" book, and she asked me what some phrases meant. She looked impressed even by that, and thought that the nickname of "Nata-chan" that my friends have given me was rather adorable.

-------

Before going to work, and now that I'm home, though, I was [and still am] in a rather...sad mood.

I can't explain it. I just feel restless and closed in and simply sad. It feels like I'm doing too much for others, then not enough for others.

It's almost the same sensation I get when I have a claustrophobic attack: like I can't breathe, and I want to scream out and push people out of my way so I can take a few steps away from everything, and just claim my own personal space, and take enourmous breaths and scream out...

I think it has to do with the fact that one of the cars is broken down, so my dad has it. Therefore I'm sorta...trapped here, with me hardly leaving the house except when I go to work. Maybe thats why I look so forward to work.

Yet if I ask for space, for time alone, the whole damn world assumes something is wrong with me, and give me five minutes to myself before thinking that I need someone to talk to to feel better.

No. That's not it.

I'm so tempted to hop on the Metrolink by myself, go to Anaheim, and spend a day alone at Disneyland. I remember wandering there by myself, while my brother worked his shift there or at the Arrowhead Pond, and taking the time to notice the things other guests usually bypass. Like the names on the windows in the buildings. Or the traintracks of the original mine ride. Or the golden spike that marks the center of the original layout of Disneyland. Or the little mechanical fishes that hop around various ponds around the park, and have people perplexed as to whether they are real fish or not. Or just get on the California Screamin' roller coaster dozens and dozens of times, just so I have an excuse to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to take a book or notebook and sit down in at the Rivers of America 2 hours before Fantasmic!, munching on the mozzerella sticks or a cherry funnel cake, and lose myself in my childhood fairytale imagination.

Though it's not exactly what I really, REALLY want.

I want to buy a plane ticket to New York right now. Then find ANY ticket to RENT, I don't care what seat I have in the house. And I don't care if I'm in New York for a couple of hours; I'll put up with the jetlag.

And I want to see RENT before it closes. I missed Beauty and the Beast. I am NOT missing RENT. Even if I go alone, I don't give a damn. I have to go. Words can't express how much this really means to me. In fact... I'm tempted to request to go alone. I highly doubt my dad would let me, but it's the perfect chance for me to be enlightened on my own little pilgrimage.

RENT makes up an era in my life: one of the reasons why I'm so drawn to the magic of musicals and theaters. It reminds me of the friendship I forged, and the friendship that fell apart. And the friendships that grew stronger when these songs were introduced to certain people, even my mom, who adored the message sent in "Seasons of Love". When announcing the closing, they said "it was the end of an era". With this show closing, it is the end of an era, in both the history of the show and in the personal lives of its millions upon millions of fans, including myself.

-------

Is it so wrong to feel a little bit sad? Or is everyone just paranoid about me, thinking I've been "too strong", and they're afraid I just hold it in, making me so tense and fragile that one day I'll break? The truth is, I think I am too strong, but when I mention I'm sad, everyone immediately goes into the "let's make Nataly smile and be happy again and tell her that everything will be okay" position, not letting me deal with the "real world" and face my true emotions. What's wrong with a few tears, or a frown?

Is it too much to ask for to be heard, to be listened to? If I say I don't want to be around people, that I want to be alone, that I want to do this or that, is it so wrong to just say "okay"? I really don't feel like I'm too selfish of a person, and I feel that I don't ask for much. Yet I always get a response that makes it sound like I'm so selfish, so self-centered, and it makes me feel guilty. Then thinking back on it, I feel stupid for feeling guilty.

Is it so wrong to ask for just some quiet time, for a moment or two of seriousness? If you know me, you know that I adore laughing and joking and having fun. But I don't always want to do so. Laughing gets a bit tiring, and if I laugh too much, eventually everything stops being so funny.

Is it so wrong to take pride in my own accomplishments? My skills, my talents? I adore originality, and having my few skills and talents and accomplishments make me feel unique, and original. I tell myself that my talents are there, I just need to keep growing in skill, and make it better, so when I get my compliments, I feel good about myself. Admit it; you feel elated when you recieve compliments, even if you feel your talent isn't honed at all. "A jack of all trade; a master of nothing." I feel like I have a good idea about what my skills and special areas are, I don't plan on biting off more than I can chew.

If you've gotten this far, you must really love me. This is the part of the blog where people apologize for writing such a long, dreary, emo, ranting blog. But I don't feel like I should apologize. What for? For being honest with myself, and at the same time, with my friends?

I know you are all there for me. I know a lot of you care for me, worry for me, love me, want me to be safe and happy. Thank you, really, and I know. Therefore, I don't need any more assurance of being told these things. It would mean that whoever reassures me didn't actually listen, and it would make me sad again, and this entire cycle would begin again.

I'm exhuasted. I plan to sleep all day tomorrow. And find a bit of time for myself, too.

"The End of an Era"

2008-02-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

After a twelve year run..."RENT" is closing on Broadway.

http://www.siteforrent.com/

...I am going to fight tooth and nail to see this before it closes, I am not kidding. I'm so tempted to call my dad right now to let me buy a ticket RIGHT now, and send me on a flight.

It closes on June 1st.

I guess my co-worker is still sick...

2008-02-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

I have an eight-hour shift all day. Woot!

I'll finall have enough to go further on my cosplays after next week!!

'Cept I'm feeling lazy right now and don't really wanna work >.<

Ah well. See you all later!

2008-02-08T00:42:00.000-08:00

I find it funny that I'm taking over the shifts of this girl who was particularly bitchy to me last time I worked with her. She apologized after that, but it still wasn't very uplifting after having broken down in the middle of a flooded highway.

Oh well, at least I get more hours, considering a lot of hours got cut. Yay for an awesome paycheck next week <3

Miguel: I wish you the best when cast list is posted tomorrow. I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to talk to you much on AIM, but...wanna come over and watch "Heroes" tomorrow when you're out of school???

Kim: If you come down this weekend, I told Alison that I wanna have a picnic on Saturday because I don't wanna be in the house all day [seeing as I have no car I don't get out much now XD]

And Alison: you still suck, but I still love you XP

And Colbert is not hot. ^_^

2008-02-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

Um. Right.

They closed "Beauty and the Beast" for this.

Granted I'm playing favorites just a bit: I prefer the original Disney movie of"Beauty and the Beast" over "The Little Mermaid", but I don't dislike the "The Little Mermaid", it's still a really cute story.

But when I heard they were adapting it on stage, I kinda grew nervous. Julie Taymore did a beautiful job with "The Lion King", I wish she'd done this, it would've made it better.

The concept of roller skates to have the actors move fluidly is interesting and seems fun, but it feels like they're doing Disney on Ice instead, and it just looks akward with Ariel's tail kinda sitting there behind her.

The actress for Ariel kinda annoys me. Something about her...she makes Ariel annoying to me o.O. And "Under the Sea" could've been way better than that.

Wow, since when did I turn into a Broaddway critic? Especially for Disney XD

The fact that they closed Beauty and the Beast, which was running for fifteen years, for this, gets me pretty mad...